Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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