He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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