I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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