Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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