When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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