Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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