My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
