I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
