tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
