I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
