My friends, they love my intelligence
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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