operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
