i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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