new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
