The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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