I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
