Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
