i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize