using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
