So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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