I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
