i already hear my dad disowning me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
