two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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