i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i think my tv is drunk
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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