I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
