I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
