just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
