I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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