You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
