I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
