Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
