the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize