Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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