When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
