When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
