I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
