Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
