He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
