doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
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It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
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Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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