cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
