all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize