I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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