When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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