my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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