His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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