Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
