I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize