Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
