I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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