Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
lets start a swedish sibling band together
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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