Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
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I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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