oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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