I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
