I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance