I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
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Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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