He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
