we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Randomize
