Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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