When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
