Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Semen is not good for contacts.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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